RUNNING GAME

Hey.

Am I running game? I mean, does getting what you expect from people amount to make fool of them? Yesterday I decided to meet a guy from the web. Nick. I had already been chatting with him for a few weeks ago when I suddenly made this decision. Not that I was particularly attracted to him, -he was just a guy next door-, but I found him pretty cool. So I did what any bachelor would have done: I dated him.

So we went out for a drink and, one thing leading to one another, I found myself back on his couch. But that's not what you're thinking. Not yet. We had spent a great moment at the bar, so we just thought it would be nice to end the night up to his place. And..I guess it's no use to mention how people get sexier after a few drinks...Anyway, we went to watch out a movie on television, that was next to his bed..of course. And we started cuddling.

I was not looking for what came up after that. Truly. I didn't want to go further. I didn't plane it. You can trust me. But I was there. In his bed (!). And he wanted me. I just didn't want him to think I was teasing him. That I had turned him on, and then, nothing. So I gave him what he expected from me..

I'm not a victim. That's not what I'm saying. But that night, I had sex for..convenience. I gave my body like I was giving a hand. Somehow, maybe I was using him too. He was keeping me away from sorrow. From harm. From loneliness.

The day after, I couldn't stand it anymore. I told him I just couldn't. Surprisingly, He was pretty cool about that. He even asked me for us to keep in touch. That's how I suddlenly understood something had changed. About me; about the world. Yeah at that moment I understood I was..an adult.

"It's a funny thing. An unpredictable dance of nature. People meeting people. Like tiny little molecules floating in the air. Sometimes they stick, form new elements. Or they simply bounce off."

So that's what real life looks like. What an adult life looks like. A world where a night is just a night; and a date is no big deal. A world where having sex and then just going away is not running game. A world where people are passing by, as many entertainements. Not to get bored when desperatly looking for someone to match with.

..I feel like I grew up too fast..

THE SMALL SEED

Hey.

Do you believe in warning signs? some sort of destiny? Sometimes I do. Check this out.

A couple of weeks ago, when surfing the web, I made an odd meeting. The kind that makes you understand how small the world can be. Still wasting my time checking and answering my messages, as an automat, without even taking a look at the pics, a mere line suddenly drew my attention:

"Hey. no concern of the site but, weren't you from that highschool?"

Uh. I was discovered. Another person knew about me. Who was he? And what was he looking for? Not that I particularly care about coming out to people I know, but I like to keep things under control and to tell people the way that I want. I was not afraid. More curious. Someone I might knew was here and anyhow, I had to know about him. So I immediately look at his picture.

"Oh my God! Louis! Pierre's brother! Louis is Gay!! Oh that's too big".

Here is what I thought. Louis was the old brother of an old junior high friend of mine. I met him, like, 8 years ago! And I must admit I was completely surprised, shocked and euphoriac. I'm not like, a gossip guy you know, but it was such a huge thing. Just as if my mom told me she had slept with brad pitt who's actually my bio father! See? If I had been told something like this would ever happen to me, I'd never have believed it, for sure!

And actually, so was he surprised for me to recognize him. Somehow, he was caught too.

That's how it started. A new relationship was born. Was it a friendship or was it meant to be something more, or less? I still can't tell you. Not yet.

Thing is, we immedialety got along with each other. So we decided to meet. It was perfect. I had not expected anything from him but a nice moment. And that's what I got. I went out of the underground station, where I saw him, smiling, talking with a friend. I moved on, straight toward him, trying to make good impression as always, which is decisive, isn't it?

We went to a bar after spending a lot of time dragging ourselves through the streets, awkwardly eating our melting ice creams, laughing, chating. Till the moment we went back home. At that time I just can tell you that I really liked him. But that's it. He was quite charming and very cool. Despite this, I was barely feeling for him. That's what I told him. And he responded by giving me the warnings:

"Ok Tom, listen. You don't know where it's gonna lead us, and I'm ok with this. I
like you, and I want to see you again, definitely. But I won't see you
this way ten times again..like we were friends."

That's how perfection started fading away. I've seen him a couple of times so far and everytime it was the same. Everything begins really nicely. No ice cream. But laugh. and smile. Until the moment he wants more. Way more. Until the time kissing is not enough. Until cuddling is not enough.

He was falling in love with me, I suppose.. But I just couldn't.

And then came the moment he couldn't stand it anymore. A phone call -which is by the way, the worst way to tell people something important, so guys, would you please understand it's really rude and weak, just giving a call to tell serious things!!-. Anyway, let's go back to my point. Signs. and seed. Thing is, he called on me to confess he couldn't bear this situation anymore. To tell me that, if it was OK to feel lost after ending up a relationship with someone you loved, still, I had to be honest with people. With myself. To tell me that, no matter what I say, when you're interested in someone, you just know it. I can't help hearing his words again and again.

"you know whether the small seed is already within. Or whether it's not."

Sure, I replied with some of my great sentences, as always, not to admit he was right. To make him understand it was not that easy. Not so clear. Not everytime. Not when you're still in love. But deep down I know it was. I know Louis was right. The small seed. It's all about that. The image was perfect: the sign. this tiny little spark. You know when it's there. Well actually you don't know it. You feel it.

Truth is, I always wanted not to be callous with people. To respect them. So maybe I should start being honest with myself:
It's a wonder how strong love can be. It's got the power to make attractive people invisible to you, so that you're able to desire the one you love only. And yet, I must admit you always know when someone has the potential to seduce you, even though nothing could happen for the moment. You know if (s)he's got the small seed within.

IL M'A QUITTE

Il m’a quitté.

Il m’a quitté parce que je me suis égaré. Parce que je n’arrivais pas à avancer.

Il m’a quitté parce que j’oubliais l’essentiel. Parce que je devais comprendre.

Il m’a quitté parce que je ne savais pas l’aimer.

Il m’a quitté sans même se retourner.

Il m’a quitté et j’ai su me retrouver.

Il m’a quitté et en cela, il m’a aidé.

Il m’a quitté et ça fait chier mais… Merci.

HUMAN CONDITION

Hey.

Am I just ultimately stupid, or is this part of my human condition: why do I always yearn for things I just can't have?

No seriously, why the hell did Eve eat this f*** apple?! It has made God so pissed off that He decided to make us pay for that, making us so..human. As many living puppets awkwardly attempting to move on, to follow their paths without stumbling. As many puppets torn up inside, fighting against their own contradictions, desires. Constantly trying to fill a new found one.

As far as I'm concerned, I'm trying to get back something I first rejected. Love. I love him. I know I do. I can feel it now. So strong. Powerful. Overwhelming. I could almost touch it. But it's too late. He's gone. Forever. And that's what I've got to deal with now. I'm versed in the fact that I'm entirely responsible for this. I screwed it up. But now I feel incomplete. And I wish could go back into time. Unfortunately I came up to the point there's no turning back.

I should have seen the warnings.
Or maybe some mistakes need to be done. Would experience be the only path to wisdom?

Anyway, if fear and regrets are part of all of us, so is hope. As if God wanted us to have something to hold on to. Like a father who's afraid of being tough when punishing his children. Faith. Mankind' strength. Faith urges people not to give up, to get over harm, to accomplish unbelievable things. Or to simply go ahead. I've got faith. And that's probably why I start blogging. I choose to go on. .

Will I make it through? Well, I'm ready to..