THE SMALL SEED

Hey.

Do you believe in warning signs? some sort of destiny? Sometimes I do. Check this out.

A couple of weeks ago, when surfing the web, I made an odd meeting. The kind that makes you understand how small the world can be. Still wasting my time checking and answering my messages, as an automat, without even taking a look at the pics, a mere line suddenly drew my attention:

"Hey. no concern of the site but, weren't you from that highschool?"

Uh. I was discovered. Another person knew about me. Who was he? And what was he looking for? Not that I particularly care about coming out to people I know, but I like to keep things under control and to tell people the way that I want. I was not afraid. More curious. Someone I might knew was here and anyhow, I had to know about him. So I immediately look at his picture.

"Oh my God! Louis! Pierre's brother! Louis is Gay!! Oh that's too big".

Here is what I thought. Louis was the old brother of an old junior high friend of mine. I met him, like, 8 years ago! And I must admit I was completely surprised, shocked and euphoriac. I'm not like, a gossip guy you know, but it was such a huge thing. Just as if my mom told me she had slept with brad pitt who's actually my bio father! See? If I had been told something like this would ever happen to me, I'd never have believed it, for sure!

And actually, so was he surprised for me to recognize him. Somehow, he was caught too.

That's how it started. A new relationship was born. Was it a friendship or was it meant to be something more, or less? I still can't tell you. Not yet.

Thing is, we immedialety got along with each other. So we decided to meet. It was perfect. I had not expected anything from him but a nice moment. And that's what I got. I went out of the underground station, where I saw him, smiling, talking with a friend. I moved on, straight toward him, trying to make good impression as always, which is decisive, isn't it?

We went to a bar after spending a lot of time dragging ourselves through the streets, awkwardly eating our melting ice creams, laughing, chating. Till the moment we went back home. At that time I just can tell you that I really liked him. But that's it. He was quite charming and very cool. Despite this, I was barely feeling for him. That's what I told him. And he responded by giving me the warnings:

"Ok Tom, listen. You don't know where it's gonna lead us, and I'm ok with this. I
like you, and I want to see you again, definitely. But I won't see you
this way ten times again..like we were friends."

That's how perfection started fading away. I've seen him a couple of times so far and everytime it was the same. Everything begins really nicely. No ice cream. But laugh. and smile. Until the moment he wants more. Way more. Until the time kissing is not enough. Until cuddling is not enough.

He was falling in love with me, I suppose.. But I just couldn't.

And then came the moment he couldn't stand it anymore. A phone call -which is by the way, the worst way to tell people something important, so guys, would you please understand it's really rude and weak, just giving a call to tell serious things!!-. Anyway, let's go back to my point. Signs. and seed. Thing is, he called on me to confess he couldn't bear this situation anymore. To tell me that, if it was OK to feel lost after ending up a relationship with someone you loved, still, I had to be honest with people. With myself. To tell me that, no matter what I say, when you're interested in someone, you just know it. I can't help hearing his words again and again.

"you know whether the small seed is already within. Or whether it's not."

Sure, I replied with some of my great sentences, as always, not to admit he was right. To make him understand it was not that easy. Not so clear. Not everytime. Not when you're still in love. But deep down I know it was. I know Louis was right. The small seed. It's all about that. The image was perfect: the sign. this tiny little spark. You know when it's there. Well actually you don't know it. You feel it.

Truth is, I always wanted not to be callous with people. To respect them. So maybe I should start being honest with myself:
It's a wonder how strong love can be. It's got the power to make attractive people invisible to you, so that you're able to desire the one you love only. And yet, I must admit you always know when someone has the potential to seduce you, even though nothing could happen for the moment. You know if (s)he's got the small seed within.